why? j.k. rowling is breaking out the cigars yet again, and why greta thunberg is about as likely to harbour in gaza as a great big iceberg. i'm simon evans. tonight's comedians are stephen allen and kerry marx. this is headliners. so hello, welcome to headliners. we�*ve dispensed with tiresome news bulletins, and we're going to crack straight on with the best of tomorrow�*s newspapers, with the best of today's comedians. we're going to start by getting the guardian out of the way. steve. >> the i know. >> the i know. >> things have. >> things have. >> changed. >> changed. >> opening with the guardian. >> opening with the guardian. >> i know. >> i know. >> never used to be like this. >> never used to be like this. >> knock it down while we�*re fresh. >> fair enough. trump deploys national guard on la streets in dramatic escalation. >> i suppose it is a bit of a dramatic escalation. this because. >> they've got. >> they�*ve got. >> they�*ve got. >> they�*ve got. >> the ice raids. >> the ice raids. >> then the anti. >> then the anti. >> ice raid protest, which have included some. >> violence in the.

>> violence in the. >> full article. there's a lovely bit where people were shouting you are not welcome here. >> and i don�*t know which. >> and i don't know which. >> and i don't know which. >> side were shouting that. >> side were shouting that. >> i know it�*s ironic isn't it. >> i know it's ironic isn�*t it. yeah. somebody's always unwelcome once the escalation starts. it seems that way. >> at least. >> at least. >> they all agree on the sentiment. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> on both sides. >> on both sides. >> no, they�*re. >> no, they�*re. >> all shouting the same thing now. >> someone's not welcome. >> someone's not welcome. >> no one's illegal on stolen land except possibly the national guard. yeah. >> well, you're. >> well, you're. >> right there is. someone held up >> right there is. someone held up a sign. >> saying no human. >> saying no human. >> being is illegal. >> being is illegal. >> and that's. >> and that's. >> not the argument anyone's. >> not the argument anyone's. >> making. >> making. >> is it? >> is it? >> in the same way that i�*m not. >> in the same way that i'm not. considered to be a. no one takes me out and kills me for being illegal. >> if i. >> if i. >> speed. >> speed. >> it's like trans people exist. >> it�*s like trans people exist. well, yes, they exist. it's just the question. yeah, it's a finer the question. yeah, it�*s a finer tuning legal status, isn't it? tuning legal status, isn�*t it? i suppose the question is, is whether trump is doing this. i misused the word performative. do you know what i mean? in order to grab headlines and so on. is he is it a necessary or is it a gesture thing? because obviously during the 2020 riots, people were calling for it, weren't they? >> i think there is at least some sort of performance to it, because the legal argument for loads of.

>> the. executive actions. >> the. executive actions. >> that trump's taking is that. >> that trump's taking is that. >> it needs. >> it needs. >> to sell, that the america is unden >> attack and. >> attack and. >> it is a crisis. >> it is a crisis. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> well, this helps, doesn't it? >> well, this helps, doesn�*t it? loads of the things those. >> are the things he's. >> are the things he's. >> tried to sign away aren't valid. if the higherjudges say valid. if the higher judges say there's actually no. national crisis, so why. >> not call in. >> not call in. >> some national guard? >> some national guard? >> that seems like it's a national crisis. >> he knows how this playbook works. kerry. >> are you suggesting that trump's being dramatic? no way. trump�*s being dramatic? no way. yeah, i think. >> ice is an awful. >> ice is an awful. >> name, though, isn't it? >> name, though, isn't it? >> the immigration. customs enforcement. >> ice sounds like, you know, sort of. >> cold body. cold attitude. >> cold body. cold attitude. >> or a bit of isis as well. possibly. >> yeah, possibly. >> yeah, possibly. >> doesn't make them look good at all. >> but the thing. >> but the thing. >> is. >> is. >> i. >> i. >> think, i think. >> think, i think. >> activism just. >> activism just. >> having less effect now because it's just everywhere. every story has the story and the activists, they're. >> all going home. >> all going home. >> the difference. >> the difference. >> here, trying to pick out which flag they need today. >> and the difference here is that the whole of california is effectively an activist state at this point. gavin newsom is his primary enemy within the within the power structures of the democratic party, such as it still exists. joe biden is still

technically alive. kamala harris unheard of. i don't know if newsom is number one candidate for 2028, but he's certainly sort of public enemy number one from that point of view. so it's from that point of view. 50 it's not it�*s not quite like the palestinians on westminster bfidge palestinians on westminster bridge or whatever, where you just have to know. i'm just. >> saying it just seems like >> saying itjust seems like it's endless. there's different activism on every. single story every day. and it becomes a. >> little, i think. >> little, i think. >> a little bit ineffective, like muscle memory. they�*re just like, this is what we do now. >> would you like to see troops come in to confront unrest in british streets this summer when it's going to kick off? i�*m not saying i'm absolutely guaranteeing that you. >> will, you know. >> will, you know. >> star are carrying 30°c next friday. >> star are carrying 30 c next friday. i think those are the conditions that are necessary. yeah. >> no, because i think you. >> no, because i think you. >> also got to fold into this some of the right to protest, never. >> never >> the right to damage property, but the. >> right to protest. and as soon as you�*ve got a government that as you've got a government that goes air national guard in straight away, you do. >> start to. >> start to. >> curtail that. i�*m just going

>> curtail that. i'm just going to give a quick mention to the guardian because i read this still thrilling four stars pulps triumphant return. they�*re back on tour one day after they released a new album. i ever listen to it while i was doing the stories, and it's rather magnificent, so men of a certain age like myself might be quite excited about that. >> i remember when. >> i remember when. >> disco 2000 was like aiming for. >> the future. >> the future. >> not even a little bit. >> not even a little bit. >> no. >> no. >> disappointing. who puts your what's your flavour then? >> i�*m happy for. >> i'm happy for. >> i'm happy for. >> you then. until frank, i like the music of frank sinatra. let's have a look. is it the daily telegraph we have next? >> 0h, daily telegraph we have next? >> oh, that's. >> oh, that's. >> more. >> more. >> like it. >> like it. >> daily telegraph. >> daily telegraph. >> starts. >> starts. >> at the top with. >> at the top with. >> six ways to add a decade to your life. which we�*re not getting the story here, but i know it's quitting. six things. >> that are really nice. >> that are really nice. >> yeah, that's. >> yeah, that's. >> always the way it might be. just living for another ten years. yeah, that's one way. >> to do it. like you live. >> to do it. like you live. >> for another ten. >> for another ten. >> years by just >> for another ten. >> years byjust having more and more misery. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> so there's that. there's raducanu, the queen of queens, who's practising yesterday. who�*s practising yesterday. she's a picture of her practising ahead of the championship. i know nothing. >> about tennis. i'm just pretending. >> queen's club is the one that happens before wimbledon, isn't it? traditionally. and yeah, she�*s everyone's favourite and

she�*s everyone�*s favourite and i know some men of a certain age, you should know better as well. but what about policing is broken? officers warn reeves. >> yeah, well, this is just. >> yeah, well, this is just. >> the different daily. >> the different daily. >> what's broken today? everything's broken. we can't everything�*s broken. we can't afford anything anymore. yeah, the police are broken. morale is collapsing. budgets are gutted. the staff are fleeing. they're using basic twigs. >> instead of a truncheon now. >> instead of a truncheon now. >> and no one's happy and no one's. >> got any answers. you're not supposed to. >> complain to rachel reeves, though, aren't you? you're supposed to complain to the host that this is how theresa may made her name, wasn't it in the made her name, wasn�*t it in the tory party? by speaking sternly to the police in the home office? >> and also, the timing is interesting, isn't it? this is because we're about to get the it's not a fiscal event because there's nothing. >> to do with tax. >> to do with tax. >> it's the spending review. >> it�*s the spending review. yeah. so it�*s just before the spending review that kind of like don't. >> cut anything. >> cut anything. >> from us. look how bad we are. >> from us. look how bad we are. >> yeah well there have. >> yeah well there have. >> been ones crying out for that at the moment saying. >> a government spokesman i can't remember which one just said, oh no, i do remember it was it was the hove mp. i think it'll come back to me who said

that? everything. he literally said that everything, every sector, every public sector in britain is struggling at the moment. yeah. yes. kyle. peter. kyle. oh, yeah. >> i just read. >> i just read. >> a >> ijust read. >> a week's newspapers. you'll >> a week�*s newspapers. you'll get every sector covered in that week. >> well, of course they want to be squeaky hinges. they know how it works. >> yes. >> yes. >> but policing. >> but policing. >> is kind of broken. >> is kind of broken. >> as well, because those. >> as well, because those. >> stories of shoplifters, if you don't, if. >> you nick 199. >> you nick 199. >> quid�*s worth. >> quid's worth. >> quid's worth. >> of. >> of. >> stuff, you don't get prosecuted. >> for it. which admittedly. >> for it. which admittedly. >> is only about four items. >> is only about four items. >> these days. >> these days. >> thanks to inflation. >> thanks to inflation. >> you go around tesco. >> you go around tesco. >> all of a sudden you find. yourself spending in that ballpark. but yes, you get yes, you can be all upset. >> about people tweeting. >> about people tweeting. >> of course. >> of course. >> that side of it. >> that side of it. >> but i'm more upset about actual crimes not being looked into. yes, having someone shoplifting near you. look, i'm not a big girl�*s. >> blouse. >> blouse. >> about it, but you�*re like, >> about it, but you're like, no, i'd like to see some law and order. >> you'll be familiar with the broken windows experiment and so on. and the and the clamping down, funnily enough, on exactly the thing that jenrick flagged up the thing that jenrick flagged up recently, which is jumping over the gates at subways under london underground, that's what they did in new york. they cracked down on that and from

that a ripple of calm spread across the city. and it was soon safe for toddlers to walk unaccompanied to school. it's remarkable. how quickly. >> can we. >> can we. >> our problem. >> our problem. >> is policing more. we have nowhere to send them to prison. we don't have any. >> it's 1638 00:07:14,058